Pop! And there comes the monster!

I had the longest jeepney ride in my life. I had the longest days and nights in my life. And do you know that feeling of walking around while getting stabbed with that sharp blade still plunge into your heart and you want to slowly pull it out... and then there is pain.

Pain. Rejection. Tears. Alone. Headache. As if you were a dry leaf crumpled by a sole you thought would protect you. I hate it when I have to gather broken pieces and somehow manage to put it back together. Glued. Taped. But nothing could make it new again. The broken lines are aleady there. Forever.

I don't think I am walking with a head today. As if I'm inside this big bubble, floating, floating and floating... in its most vulnerable state. Anytime I could blow-up. Disintegrate and vanish together with the earth's vapor.

My eyes hurts. I tried not to waste any tears coz it's a sign of weakness. But it just naturally comes out no matter how I tried to hold it back. Blame gravity.

Letting go is a hard process especially when when you still hold on to it. It's to early and I know it won't happen overnight. I've been through this before and I know that this time I could go through it again. It's back with me and myself again. No more lively stories to tell. No more crisp laughters. No more Yotchie. No more house visits. No more monster stories. No more short walks. No more siomai. No more Manang's. No more phone calls. No more letters. No more 21 B's to hail. No more sleeping in the jeepney. No more animes. No more movie stories. No more wrestlings. No more strong hands to keep me from loosing balance. No more adventures. Everything that I used to do just suddenly stops. But the world does not stop. It still rotates and revolves. People still attend to their normal lives. Jash still as lively as can be. Jenel in her teaching career. My classmates in their jobs. And me? I should also not stop. I need to be in motion.

785 days and that's it. I have to erase the marks i placed on days with the number 24 in my planner. No more things to plan. No more 24's to look forward. Well, maybe I was just too excited placing a mark on the 24th day of the 12th month of 2007 with "3rd". Without a warning, I just need to let my fingers work through the pages and scratch them away.

I have to smile. Practice each day to smile. Somehow sing to old tunes I've learned to hum alone. Hunt for friends. Get to know old friends so that I won't be alone when I stroll SM and Ayala. Hah! Guess that I haven't go out with friends a long time now. I was with this IT. All my time I invested on IT. But look at now, I gained nothing but pain.

But beyond all this, I was still thankful that God made me see different things. Everything happens for a reason and for whatever reason it is, i'm sure it's good. I am thankful for friends who knew what I needed most. Salamat sa mga txt messages, sa miss calls ug bisan wla man magparamdam kay I know naki-symphatize. No one is at fault in here. Things just happen.

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At least I acted normal today, I finished my lunch, tried to exhcange jokes with my lunch mates, I was still able to take my mid-day nap, and here I am back again to work... rotten.

I was still able to answer and transfer calls, talked with the boss, filled my table with papers, fetch boxes for the boss things, converse with my officemates. But I felt lonely. Lyn saw it through without telling her that I am indeed lonely. Hah! I think i need a vacation A very long one. I just want to read, sleep and read anything that I could read. Uh.. or maybe I just need someone to talk to. But there is no someone. No more someone who treats me as another someone.

I could go through the day. A few hours more and I'd be going home. And I don't like it. When I'm home I feel like I'm expecting him to come but I know that he won't come. He would not come again. And there is a monster somewhere waiting for me. But this time no one's gonna keep it away.

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I don't need to hurry anymore to get out of the office. He won't be calling me here in the office. So I don't have any reason why I should go home on time. Sigh! Happy thoughts! Think of happy thoughts! The sky's gonna be blue tomorrow!